How To Have Better Sex? Change Your Definition Of It.

How To Have Better Sex? Change Your Definition Of It.

Most people’s definition of sex is actually intercourse. When they speak of having sex, they mean penetrative sex, with the ultimate goal of at least one orgasm. This is an outdated (and bland) view of sex and when you rethink the definition of sex, you can really make magic, or rather, see the magic that sex already offers. 
Sex is WAY more than penis-in-vagina orgasmic intercourse. It’s everything we do sexually - from sexting to oral to anal even to intentional kissing and cuddling.
But what’s the big deal? How does this definition change the game?

Why You Should Rethink The Meaning Of Sex

When we limit our definition of sex to just penetration, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves and our partners, and we limit our repertoire of ways to experience pleasure. By expanding your definition of sex to include other forms of intimacy and pleasure, suddenly you can experience sexual pleasure in a myriad of ways you might never have thought of before.

Another issue with the narrow-minded definition of sex is the idea that in heterosexual relationships, female pleasure is usually not viewed as a priority and she’s often left wanting and frustrated. Penetrative vaginal sex typically winds down after the male partner ejaculates, often leaving the female partner feeling unsatisfied. By opting for a more balanced view of sex, we put more effort into equal pleasure, and say goodbye to ejaculation as the end of the experience.
This outdated idea of sex also affects men with conditions that limit their ability to orgasm. Whatever unique and personal experiences may be holding you back, tweaking your view of sex to be more of an experience than a means to an end takes the pressure off, and partners generally find that empowering for more enjoyable sex. Ridding ourselves of the idea that orgasming is the goal lets us freely focus on and enjoy the journey of sex, rather than the few seconds of orgasm we view as the destination.

This then snowballs into carefree pleasure. With less pressure, you stop worrying about what your partner thinks about you, how you’re performing, and whether or not you’ll climax. When you let all this go, you allow yourself to actually be present in the moment and focus on the sensations you’re feeling. Purely by doing this the sensations grow more profound.

Final Thoughts

Sex doesn’t always have to end in orgasm, and it doesn’t have to be limited to heterosexual penetrative sex. Shifting your focus from performance to pleasure, and from pressure to permission can be GAME CHANGING for your sex life!


This post is part of the &BAM x Catriona Boffard mini-series. Catriona is an accredited clinical sexologist and psychotherapist. To learn more about Catriona or to follow her work check out or follow her on IG @sexologywithcatriona 

The articles published by &BAM are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice. If you have any medical questions or concerns, you should contact your doctor.